Knowing My Purpose

Someone told me a year ago I should have attended another university because it seemed I didn’t appreciate the opportunity I had at BYU. That hurt. They were basically told me I didn’t belong here. I have expressed my feelings as a minority student many times before because I felt someone needed to tell others there are students struggling at BYU due to their ethnicity. It’s a problem I strongly believe shouldn’t be ignored especially during a vital stage in a young adult’s life. Although I feel there are other issues we need to take notice as well that does not only deal with ethnicity or race. Over the course of now five years, I have learned a lot while being at BYU but I have especially learned that I belong here. I belong here the way I am, as the person I am, and as me.

That individual who called me out for not appreciating my education did not know every struggle I was enduring. I have voiced my experiences that involved my ethnicity and heritage, which is something that lacks in the BYU community. I wanted others to understand how difficult it can be as a student of color. Besides struggling with accepting myself for who I was, I was also struggling with knowing my purpose of being here at BYU, in Provo, and in college in general. There came a point where I just wanted to quit and leave school. I basically hit rock bottom and I felt I was suffocating because I thought I had no purpose. I was devastated, felt alone and felt no one understand what I was going through. I remember one night I just had it. I had enough of the ongoing roller coaster of emotions. I got down on my knees and told my Heavenly Father how I have been feeling. I think I have never cried during a prayer as much as I did until that night. It came to the point where I asked Him if leaving BYU was what I was suppose to do. I got the strongest answer of no. I felt devastated. How could my Heavenly Father expect me to stay when I felt I wasn't accomplishing anything? I then asked Him to give me the reason of why I had to stay. I needed something to keep me going. I could not get through another year without something pushing me. The answer I received was very personal but I will share this, it was not just about me. At the point I told myself “okay, this will affect others, not just me, I can do this.” The Spirit did not tell me what I was going to go through in the next few years and how it will shape me but it did tell me something to ensure that I would stay.

The following school year things started to improve dramatically. My life was not at all perfect but I started to have a different outlook on my education and reason of being in Provo. I began to be more involved in various associations and contribute back to groups I have participated in. Also that semester I walked into my first makeup class and a whole new world was introduced to me which I have been developing in the last two years. The feeling of knowing my place and knowing I had a purpose began to unfold. Now more than 2 years after that prayer I see what my Heavenly Father did not want me to miss out on by leaving BYU. I have had many opportunities since then where I have been able to grow whether it has been through an internship, a show, marching band, or even my classes. I may not fully understand how all these things will affect my future right now but I know there’s a plan for me and there’s a reason I had to be here at BYU during this time.

I often think back to that hurtful comment I was told. They didn’t consider that maybe I had to be here at BYU to learn certain things about my potential and gain confidence to reach certain goals. I know BYU is not for everyone but it is for me. I have had my ups and downs but in reality everything I have gone through has made me into a stronger person that will not allow others to push me around. It’s difficult to live in a community where you’re expected to fit in the same mold but in reality I’m not like everyone else. At first it was hard to “fit in” at BYU but it was not until I was truly myself that I was able to really understand why I was here. It wasn't until I actually had a desire to change something and ask for help. The story of Enos comes to my mind. Although I was not praying to my Father in Heaven about my sins, I felt I was pouring my whole heart out because I was in a desperate need of help. I begged for a direction. I begged for an answer. I begged to feel loved. And He answered. My prayer has been answered through a series of life experiences over the past years and I know I will continue to have my prayer answered as I follow the direction of the Spirit. Big changes will be coming in my life soon but I know wherever I go that I need to be there because my Father in Heaven will not lead me somewhere I don’t belong. College for me hasn’t just been about the classes I have taken or the amount of football games I have attended but has been about growing up and developing myself for the better. I am not the same 18 year old who arrived four years ago for her first year of college. Life happened and I have been shaped into the person I am today. I came to an understanding that I belonged here and everything that has happened to me was for a reason.

 "And my soul hungered; and I kneeled down before my Maker, and I cried unto him in mighty prayer and supplication for mine own soul; and all the day long did I cry unto him; yea, and when the night came I did still raise my voice high that it reached the heavens."
Enos 1:4