Mexican American, Mormon, Democrat and a Feminist

Growing up in a Mexican American and Latter Day Saint house has made me into the person I am today. I am not your average Latter Day Saint female. Yes I attend BYU but I didn’t come to this university to find a husband or earn a degree that will “make me a good mother”. The main reason I came to this university and college in general was due to my heritage and the desires of my grandfather when he brought his family to this new country. And these are my experiences as I have struggled to find my identity, understand my beliefs and discovering how I am different than my peers.

Mexican American: The Discovery of my Identity

I lived most of my life in two states before moving to Utah, Oregon and California. I lived in southern California until I was 12 years old. Growing up in a very Hispanic populated area, I grew accustomed to being around people with similar heritages as me. We shared similar traditions and many of our parents were immigrants. More recent than others. Race and ethnicity was never a problem. When my family moved to Oregon I did not feel any different about my identity. I associated myself as Mexican and considered myself as Hispanic. No question there. But it was not until I arrived in the fall of 2011 to Brigham Young University where I began to question who I was. 

During the first couple weeks of being at BYU, I learned that people made assumptions based on the color of my skin. That first semester was very interesting. I got asked the same question quite often: why don’t you speak Spanish and where are your parents from?

Before school started I had band camp. Within the first day I got the feeling that I was very different. As I sat with the other marching band members in the band hall I noticed that everyone was white. There were a couple people who weren't Caucasian. For once in my life I was among the minority. Growing up I attended schools where the Hispanics were the majority. I never comprehended that until I arrived at BYU. As school started I noticed more and more that I was sometimes the only “brown” one in class.

When I met people for the first time the usual questions took place: what’s your name, what are you studying and where are you from. When I responded with Oregon I always got a weird look from who I was talking too. They would then proceed with the question, “Where are your parents from?” Seriously. I would then say Mexico and sometimes I would get the following responses: "I served my mission there", "that explains the way you look", and "I was right." You can say I left either furious or frustrated.

I have had people tell me I am white. I would ask, “How can you say that I am white when I have such a dark complexion?” Well their definition of white was being born in the United States. Yes, I was born in the United States but I don’t consider myself white. I never have and never will. They said I was not Mexican. So I would always say okay then I’m Mexican American. Apparently that was not “correct” either. I was white to them.

Whenever I filled out a questionnaire I always left with confusion. There are two boxes to fill out when it comes out to race and ethnicity the first box asks if I consider myself either Hispanic or Latino. I answer yes because I do. The next box then asks about my race. There is no spot for Mexican American. I had to put down white. About a month ago I went online to my personal information that BYU has in their records. I looked under race and ethnicity. I had to mark if I considered myself Hispanic or Latino and then I had to choose in “addition” one or more racial categories. At the time I applied to BYU I put down white because I thought I had too. As I looked at it now I unchecked white and saved the changes without an “additional” race. I’m sorry BYU but I don’t consider myself anything more than Hispanic or Latino. If you had a Mexican American I would have chosen that. Now the ethnicity box in my personal information looks like this….

Take that BYU.

Looking back my freshman year was probably my toughest year in regards with accepting myself for being different. One February day I sat in the library trying to study but I could not. I had so many emotions that did not let me think straight. I wrote the following in my journal… “I feel so alone right now. I really just want to quit school and do nothing. I feel so empty inside. I have never felt like this before. I want to just runaway and never come back. I hate feeling like this though. I just want to cry never stop. I don’t know why I feel like this, I just do. I wish there was someone I could talk to who didn't judge me. I feel like everyone around me is judging me all the time… At this point I don’t know what to do. Life is just so hard and I just want to give up. But I don’t want to feel like this. I just want to be somewhere where I feel like I belong. Here at BYU I don’t feel like I belong. Everyone is so different and I just seem like I don’t fit in. I don’t [know] if it’s because I’m Mexican…It’s so hard going to BYU and not the academics but being so different than everyone else. At McKay I was among the majority and although I didn’t hang out with them I still felt like I belonged there…Here in Utah I feel like an outsider trying to fit in. I’m like a square trying to fit into a circle, I just don’t belong here. So why am I even here? Maybe coming to BYU was a mistake. I thought I have been feeling like this because of all the stress from school but I think I’m wrong. I don’t even know who I am anymore.”

Being at BYU for a semester and a half made me feel like an outsider and I felt like could not proceed studying at a university where I was so different. I eventually sucked it up and finished the semester and went home for the summer. The following year I pushed my ethnicity and race identity struggles to the side. 

My sophomore year I dealt with my political standing more (next section). Then my junior year I had about enough. It was the first day of class of a new semester. I was mentally and physically exhausted from band camp the previous week. I was about 3 shades darker than usual as well. I sat in my American humanities class eager to learn what would be in store the coming semester as I saw all the students walk in, one by one they were all white. I sat in the corner thinking “I’m so different”. For the rest of the week I went to class and noticed the same thing. I’m the only dark one. Everyone else was white, blonde and blue eyed. I felt many of peers kept staring at me. At the end of that first week I had enough of it. I just needed to let the whole world know what was going on inside of me. I had been struggling with my own identity among my peers. BYU is an enclosed environment that is not exposed too much diversity despite what many students believe. I then wrote a blog post which you can find here.

I may not be your stereotypical Mexican or Mexican American. I am struggling to keep my family's culture alive. I am struggling to fit my opinions within American culture and Mexican American culture. I am trying to be accepted by both "white" Americans and "real" Hispanics I encounter at BYU. Within my culture I am even a minority. Within BYU I am a minority. But no matter what I am a Mexican American After a long battle of discovering myself I came to the conclusions that I was not going to let my peers dictate my identity. It’s my own identity. It’s who am I. And I know I’m a Mexican American.

Latter Day Saint: I’m not like the others

Both my parents have been members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints for the majority of their lives. I grew up in a household where we attended church every Sunday, went to various youth activities, where it was expected to attend seminary and where the gospel was the focus in how things were done. I remember as I child attending primary and participating the primary program each year. I get constant flash backs of young women’s classes and activities. Girls’ camp was always a week I looked forward to as a youth. Stake dances were brutal. I will be honest. They were awkward and I’m glad those days are over. I was your average Latter Day Saint girl. I played piano, I graduated from seminary, I received my Young Women’s Recognition, and I was accepted to BYU. I did not see a difference from myself until I arrived at BYU. I went from being a high school where there were less than 20 Mormon kids to a University where 97% of the student population was Mormon. You can say I had a culture shock.

It was the fall of 2012 where I noticed I was not like my fellow classmates. It was the presidential election between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. At the beginning of the year I began to question my political standing. I had unique views on immigration compared to my classmates. My family’s history really shaped my political views. The question was, Obama (those who go to hell they say) or Romney (the righteous choice).

Throughout high school I did not look into political issues or took part in debates. Although when I got to BYU things changed. I started to be concern of social issues especially the immigration system. I began to see where my family landed on the economically spectrum. Before I graduated high school I got my driver’s license. Because I was 17 years old at the time I was able to register to vote. I was excited because that it was something I could do as soon as I turned 18, vote. When it came to the question of what political party I associated myself with I didn't know what to put down. I was a 17 year old girl who just wanted to have a piece of identification in my wallet that would allow me to drive. I remember being confused and I marked Republican because that was what Mormons were. I thought I had to be republican because of my religion. I didn’t give much thought to it and went my way with my new driver’s license. 

The next year was my freshman year at BYU. Fall semester I was too concerned about starting college that I gave no thought about politics. Then during winter semester I took two classes that would would impact my life greatly. Sociology 113 was a general education requirement and it looked interesting so I decided to take it. In the class we discussed social issues concerning class, race and ethnicity. Many controversial topics were discussed including immigration, affirmative action, homosexuality and racism. That’s where I learned how much BYU was on the conservative side. I was fortunate to have a liberal professor who included both a conservative and liberal view in our readings and discussions. I heard people’s opinions on illegal immigration and how they felt undocumented people were stealing from them. Throughout the course I found myself siding with many of the liberal readings. Yes, my family background and how I grew up contributed to the opinions I developed. For my political science class we had to write papers about political parties and recent reforms. I began to do much research on the Democratic Party and liberal issues. I found myself agreeing with a lot of what I read and my papers could show where I landed on the political spectrum. It was probably that March that I logged on to the Oregon voter website and formally changed my political party to Democrat. You can say I had a moment where I felt like I finally made a decision on my own.

The following semester the presidential election occurred. Leading up to the election in November there was much talk on campus, in classrooms and in organizations I participated in. At first I did not state my opinion or tell anyone who I supported or vote for. My family and close friends knew and if they disagreed, they did not argue or debate but we mutually respected our opinions.

Around October I wanted to show my political support to the democratic candidate so I purchased a campaign button and wore it on my backpack. I as well had a Women for Obama sticker on my laptop which I took out a lot when I studied on campus. People began to stare at me in the library while others pointed out my backpack to their friends. I was the brown girl with the Obama 2012 button. Despite how others felt about the democratic candidate my opinions never changed. I had many people ask me why I was not supporting Mitt Romney because he was Mormon. I always responded with, “Just because he’s Mormon does not mean I have to vote for him.” You can say I was looked down upon and some people thought I was going to hell. Church leaders have never said that as a church we should support a specific party but that we should participate in voting. So it wasn’t like I was committing a sin. Although some people may have disagreed. In a previous post I commented how we should all respect each other despite our political party affiliation and I still strongly believe that.

As time has moved on I still support the liberal side on many issues. Recently gay marriage and gay rights has been much debate especially in Utah. So what does this Mexican American democrat Mormon think? I support that everyone deserves the same opportunities and protections despite race, color, gender and sexual orientation. Once again I have already stated my opinion and it has not changed. I believe there two types of marriages: civil and celestial. Civil marriage is according to the law of land and celestial marriage is through the priesthood power. People are asking for a change in marriage in the land not with God. I just want to say that these are my opinions and this is how I view things. You can say I’m not afraid to speak my mind. I expressed more about opinions in a previous post here. 

Feminism: Something New and Old

With discovering who I am and seeing where I stand on the political spectrum I have developed a realization that I agree with many feminism ideas. Being different already in regards with race has helped me develop an opinion that everyone should be treated equally regardless how they look which also means gender. I personally feel that women are not being treated equal when it comes to education, employment, and with respect in general.

The #YesAllWomen  hashtag on Twitter made me realize that there was a place for my opinions, feminism. I believe that women should not be seen as sexual objects. They are people too, just like men. Women should not be afraid to be judged based on their clothing. Women who wear short dresses or skirts should not be seen as “asking for it.” Men and boys should learn to control their thoughts while women should not be told to change their clothing to “help” the male gender. When a woman tells a man she is not interested it should be the end of it. Although sometimes they have to say they are seeing someone else because it seems men respect men rather than men respecting women. A women can have a career if she so desires and not be expected to be "in the kitchen". 

A couple of months ago a guy really wanted to hang out with me. I was not interested at all. In the past we did hang out but I did not want to put myself in those situations again. He kept insisting on seeing me. At the same time I was very interested in another guy who showed me a lot of respect. We never officially dated but were close friends. The other guy would not stop bugging me so I said I was seeing someone, the nice guy, although I wasn't. I do not understand why it took “another man” to get one off my back. He should have respected my decision but rather he respected another guy.

I recently I had another incident where I felt I was judged based on what I wore. It was a hot day so I wore shorts that went mid-thigh. They were not that short but they were comfortable especially on a hot day. That same day I went out with a guy. He then made a comment which made me angry and at the same time guilty. He said, “You wore those shorts for me didn’t you?” I was furious. No I did not wear those shorts for him. I wore those shorts for me. I never wear clothing to “get attention” or for men. I wear the types of clothes I do because they make me feel confident about myself. Simple as that. So please never tell me I wear shorts, tank tops, dresses or skirts to get your attention. I’m not. Trust me.

Here in Utah I feel like a lot of women are looked down upon their clothing choices. There is a very big Mormon culture influence which is very different from what I grew up. I feel clothing is an accessory that helps express an individual. How can you look down upon someone who is trying to be themselves? Women are commonly in this category of being targeted for what they wear. Just because she wears shorts or a tank top does not mean she’s a slut or asking for it. Let her be.

In other aspects I believe a women should have complete agency in regards of their body. You know where this going, abortion. I personally would never put myself in that situation because of my religious opinions but I believe all women should have a choice. Also women who choose abortion should not be looked down upon as a murderer or a sinner. What do you think she is going through? Embrace her.

As well women should not be looked as just baby makers and being at home. They are people too!!! Being at BYU I have met many guys who think a woman should just be at home because that’s where she belongs. Those are the guys I try to stay away from. Don’t get me wrong I was raised by a stay at home mom and I praise women who give their life to take care of children. But women should we be seen as people who can accomplish so much. A woman does not only have to be a mother. She can be a teacher, doctor, engineer, scientist, writer and so much more. Women should be supported in any field they decide to go into. And those women who stay at home with their children should also be recognized as hard working women just like those in the workforce. 

So in the end I just want everyone to treat each other as equals regardless of race, ethnicity, skin color, gender and sexual orientation. 

Being Different: A long time coming

I was talking with a friend recently regarding dating here at BYU. I personally feel that I am not the “ideal” girl to date. I will be honest I feel that my skin tone has something to do with it. Either they expect me to be completely “white” or be this exotic girl from Mexico. I am neither. My friend made the comment to me of how many guys here want the “BYU girl cut out cookie type" and how those guys are the “BYU boy cut out cookie type." I then made the comment of how I felt I’m the cookie dough that doesn't fit into the cookie cutter and is just thrown to the side. I am different then all the other girls at BYU and I am trying to accept that everyday.

  

After being at BYU for 3 years I have learned many things about myself and how different I am. I have already mentioned that I really didn’t know I was different until I came to a mainly populated Caucasian university. I am not like my peers. I don’t have the same background; both personal and family background. My parents are immigrants to this country. I am a first generation college student who still trying to figure out this whole college thing. I don’t even look like my peers. I don’t have blonde hair or a tall slender body. I have thick brown hair, I have curves, and I am barely 5’2”.

I am trying every day to stand proud of being different but there are days when I just want to leave BYU and never come back. Although sometimes I want to leave, at the same time I’m happy that I am here to learn so much about myself. I think if I stayed in Oregon which I originally intended too, it may have taken longer to figure myself out. Isn’t that what college is all about? A time to discover who you are?

You may now think differently of me but you know what, that’s okay. I am different than everyone else. I have different views. I look different. I act different. And I accept that. I’m a Mexican American, Mormon, democrat, liberal, and feminist. So deal with it.