Knowing My Purpose

Someone told me a year ago I should have attended another university because it seemed I didn’t appreciate the opportunity I had at BYU. That hurt. They were basically told me I didn’t belong here. I have expressed my feelings as a minority student many times before because I felt someone needed to tell others there are students struggling at BYU due to their ethnicity. It’s a problem I strongly believe shouldn’t be ignored especially during a vital stage in a young adult’s life. Although I feel there are other issues we need to take notice as well that does not only deal with ethnicity or race. Over the course of now five years, I have learned a lot while being at BYU but I have especially learned that I belong here. I belong here the way I am, as the person I am, and as me.

That individual who called me out for not appreciating my education did not know every struggle I was enduring. I have voiced my experiences that involved my ethnicity and heritage, which is something that lacks in the BYU community. I wanted others to understand how difficult it can be as a student of color. Besides struggling with accepting myself for who I was, I was also struggling with knowing my purpose of being here at BYU, in Provo, and in college in general. There came a point where I just wanted to quit and leave school. I basically hit rock bottom and I felt I was suffocating because I thought I had no purpose. I was devastated, felt alone and felt no one understand what I was going through. I remember one night I just had it. I had enough of the ongoing roller coaster of emotions. I got down on my knees and told my Heavenly Father how I have been feeling. I think I have never cried during a prayer as much as I did until that night. It came to the point where I asked Him if leaving BYU was what I was suppose to do. I got the strongest answer of no. I felt devastated. How could my Heavenly Father expect me to stay when I felt I wasn't accomplishing anything? I then asked Him to give me the reason of why I had to stay. I needed something to keep me going. I could not get through another year without something pushing me. The answer I received was very personal but I will share this, it was not just about me. At the point I told myself “okay, this will affect others, not just me, I can do this.” The Spirit did not tell me what I was going to go through in the next few years and how it will shape me but it did tell me something to ensure that I would stay.

The following school year things started to improve dramatically. My life was not at all perfect but I started to have a different outlook on my education and reason of being in Provo. I began to be more involved in various associations and contribute back to groups I have participated in. Also that semester I walked into my first makeup class and a whole new world was introduced to me which I have been developing in the last two years. The feeling of knowing my place and knowing I had a purpose began to unfold. Now more than 2 years after that prayer I see what my Heavenly Father did not want me to miss out on by leaving BYU. I have had many opportunities since then where I have been able to grow whether it has been through an internship, a show, marching band, or even my classes. I may not fully understand how all these things will affect my future right now but I know there’s a plan for me and there’s a reason I had to be here at BYU during this time.

I often think back to that hurtful comment I was told. They didn’t consider that maybe I had to be here at BYU to learn certain things about my potential and gain confidence to reach certain goals. I know BYU is not for everyone but it is for me. I have had my ups and downs but in reality everything I have gone through has made me into a stronger person that will not allow others to push me around. It’s difficult to live in a community where you’re expected to fit in the same mold but in reality I’m not like everyone else. At first it was hard to “fit in” at BYU but it was not until I was truly myself that I was able to really understand why I was here. It wasn't until I actually had a desire to change something and ask for help. The story of Enos comes to my mind. Although I was not praying to my Father in Heaven about my sins, I felt I was pouring my whole heart out because I was in a desperate need of help. I begged for a direction. I begged for an answer. I begged to feel loved. And He answered. My prayer has been answered through a series of life experiences over the past years and I know I will continue to have my prayer answered as I follow the direction of the Spirit. Big changes will be coming in my life soon but I know wherever I go that I need to be there because my Father in Heaven will not lead me somewhere I don’t belong. College for me hasn’t just been about the classes I have taken or the amount of football games I have attended but has been about growing up and developing myself for the better. I am not the same 18 year old who arrived four years ago for her first year of college. Life happened and I have been shaped into the person I am today. I came to an understanding that I belonged here and everything that has happened to me was for a reason.

 "And my soul hungered; and I kneeled down before my Maker, and I cried unto him in mighty prayer and supplication for mine own soul; and all the day long did I cry unto him; yea, and when the night came I did still raise my voice high that it reached the heavens."
Enos 1:4

Lessons I Learned from My Brother

           Since the day my brother’s spirit left this earth I have been reflecting on how much he has taught me and influenced my life. As my older brother he was there since day one for me and has been teaching me my whole life. The following are only a simple list of the things he taught me the 22 years I got to know him.

What a Good Burger Is

            Growing up in southern California going to In-N-Out was the norm to get a decent burger. It was both cheap and delicious. What more could you ask for? There isn’t anything you could compare it to and Muri always made sure to remind us of that. When my family moved to Oregon ten years ago we were heart broken because we didn’t have an In-N-Out remotely close to us. A year later Muri moved to Oregon with us and he was also devastated. We always made trips down to California to see my older sister and extended family. For the first couple times Muri would travel with us and we would always make sure to stop at the first In-N-Out in Redding, California. In recent years Muri wasn’t able to travel to California due to other commitments in his life but still dreamed of eating a double double with a side of fries and a coke. A couple days before he passed away I talked with him on the phone. Besides his excitement for me because I got my first iPhone, he told me about his trip to Reno this past summer. He went to Reno for work and he was excited because there was an In-N-Out there. He told me he walked 2 miles to the nearest In-N-Out and it was completely worth it as soon as he took a bite of that double double. He was also looking forward to the traveling down to Medford because they just opened In-N-Out there. Now when I go get In-N-Out all I would think is how proud Muri would be that I got a decent burger.

Mint n Chip Ice Cream is Life

            Every since I could remember going to Rite Aid and getting Thrifty ice cream was a thing in my family. I first asked for strawberry but then I started to get what Muri always had, mint n chip. From then on it was always mint n chip ice cream. Eventually it was the only flavor that all my siblings would get. Growing up a half gallon of mint n chip ice cream would go so fast in my house. It was literally gone the next day. Even still today it is my go to option when I get ice cream and it’s all because of Muri.

Checking Your Oil is Necessary

            I remember 3 years ago my little sister and I shared a car for a summer. Eventually that car was the one I would bring to college. Before I came to school a couple friends and I were going to attend a young single adult conference in Eugene, Oregon. I was going to drive the car all the way done there for the weekend. Before I left Muri checked everything in the car to make sure it was ready for the trip. He went to check the oil and noticed there was hardly any. He then proceeded to give my sister and I a lecture of how important it was to check the oil in a car and taught us how to put more oil when needed. It was different to hear a lecture coming from him than my parents but ever since then checking my oil has become a norm for me. Whenever I make trips on the freeway especially up to Salt Lake I always make sure to check my oil before and after. I learned over the years that some people don't even know how to check their oil. My brother taught me well. Muri was also the one who I would call whenever I had car problems. Sometimes all he could do was calm me down when I was freaking out over something simple or direct me to the right place for help. But he was always willing to help me despite the situation he was in. 

Music is Life

            My older siblings have influenced a lot of my music preferences, which is why I listen to a lot of alternative and punk from the 90’s and early 2000’s. I still remember the day when I was walking past my brother’s room and I heard the coolest song I have ever heard in my 7 years of existence. It was the first time I heard “All the Small Things” by Blink 182. It was as though the music heaven opened for me. I would ask Muri to play it over and over again. Since then you can find Linkin Park, Blink 182, Yellowcard, Sum 41 and so many others in my music library. Even up to his last day on earth he was still influencing my music choices. Over the past couple months Nirvana has been coming up on my Pandora stations. At first I skipped the songs but I started listening because I remembered it was one of Muri’s favorite bands. I have enjoyed all the other bands he listened to so why not this one? Next thing I know I’m rocking out to Nirvana at the gym.

Band is Life

            The reason I started band was because of Muri. I wanted to play the clarinet just like my older brother and when opportunity came in the 4^th grade I got a hold of his old clarinet and started band class. As the little sister I went wherever my mom went which meant I went to all my brother’s band concerts. He was really passionate for band up until high school but even then he was always playing the guitar. I would hear him playing his guitar in his room all the time. I remember the Christmas he received his red electric guitar and how excited he was for it. I started to learn the guitar because I wanted to play like him but in reality I’m terrible at it. 

For the past 13 years I have participated in various band programs wherever I have been at for school. I am in my 5^th year of marching band at BYU and it’s all because of Muri’s example of love and passion for band. I’m pretty sure if he stuck with band in high school he would have gotten to the point where I am at now. This season I will be thinking of him as I take the field each game.

Christ like Love

            I think the most important thing my brother has taught me is Christ like love. For half my life my brother wasn’t active in church but that didn’t mean he wasn’t teaching me gospel principles. In the past four years I saw it especially and it was because of his son. The sacrifice he made to provide for his wife and son made me so proud to call him my brother. He has been an amazing example of what parent should be. My parents of course are wonderful examples but it’s different to see it from your sibling. Recently it was my nephew’s 3^rd birthday and my brother wanted to get him the perfect present, a battery powered car. My sister in law and brother did not have the money for such gift so my brother sold one of his most prized possessions, his guitar. He loved that guitar and would play it every chance he got but he gave it up to provide something for his son that would bring him happiness. That to me is Christ like love. I just hope I could be a great parent as he was.

"But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day it shall be well with him. 

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen."

Moroni 7:47-48

I know one day I will be with Muri again as an eternal family. It has been hard these past couple of weeks and I know it will be hard for the rest of my earthly life. I am so thankful that the restored gospel is in my life because I have the knowledge and testimony of the plan of salvation. This mortal life we are living is only a snippet compared to our eternal existence. I will have so much time after this earthly life to be with my brother. He was looking forward on seeing me graduate from college in April and I know he will be there even if I can't see him physically. I'm going to make sure I make him proud as I continue to follow my dreams wherever they may lead me. I love you big brother. 

           

Being the Brown Girl Part 2

I walk around campus with my green Columbia backpack trying to dodge oncoming students who are rushing to class. I finally get to class and I take a seat in the middle far right as usual. I get out either my laptop or notebook, eager for the class to start. As students continue to enter the classroom I notice everyone is Caucasian and I'm the only Mexican American. Three years ago I would have felt inferior around my peers based on the color of my skin. Now entering my 5^th year at BYU I don’t see it as a constant struggle but a challenge that I can face everyday because I know who I am.

Two years ago when I wrote Being the Brown Girl I was in a confused state. I honestly did not want to be at BYU that fall semester. During the summer I had fought the idea of leaving BYU and Utah in general. It was a constant battle that hurt. Eventually Heavenly Father told me I needed to stay at BYU despite how I felt about the situation. Things finally turned around, my attitude toward my studies improved, I encountered a new passion and I became more involved in the organizations I associated with. Yes it was still hard being the brown girl. Assumptions were made here and there. Some of my peers still thought I was from Mexico or some other Latin American country. I still felt below compared to other students because I was first generation college student. It’s hard even today. I guess the only thing that kept me going was that I was knowing I had to be here despite what others would say. Someone told me that I shouldn’t have come to BYU but have given the opportunity to someone else who would have appreciated it. News flash, the first generation Latino/Hispanic student challenge is everywhere in this country. I would have faced similar things at any other university. I also never said I didn’t appreciate it. I’m externally thankful for all the challenges I have had to face. It has only made me a stronger person and I know it will help me as I enter the professionally world eventually.

In the past 2 years I have had many opportunities that I think I wouldn’t have had if I left when I wanted to. Who would have even believed that I would be involved in the TMA department and working on shows and not to mention interning with Studio C this past summer? Listening to the Spirit that summer night has blessed in so many ways and I have learned so much because of my decision to stay at BYU. The most important thing I have learned has been accepting myself and knowing that I have purpose. My race has played a big part of this. For a while you can say I was ashamed of my skin color or heritage. It’s hard living in a place where everyone is expected you to be the same. I feel people think being the same religion means we all have to be exactly the same. Well we don’t. We all come from different cultures and backgrounds. We are all different skin tones, have different hair colors and come in different sizes. I have really stood out here at BYU and at first I hated it and now I embrace it. 

I came across this post today on Twitter and it reminded me why I’m here. Why I struggle with being judged and being different. Each one of these posts I can relate too. Especially the following:

I’m here not just for me but also for the past generations and the future generations. That’s what has motived me the most.

I start my last year of college in a less than two weeks. I will most likely be the only brown girl in class again but this time I can take it. I have made it this far and I have not given up. It has taught me how strong I can be in various situations. I have so much to offer to this academic community and I'm not going to let my heritage, skin color, or ethnicity keep me from doing what I know I need to do. Most importantly I know it follow me as I enter the next stage of my life after I graduate (whatever that may be, still deciding). I guess being the brown girl in class has been a good thing.