Being the Brown Girl Part 2

I walk around campus with my green Columbia backpack trying to dodge oncoming students who are rushing to class. I finally get to class and I take a seat in the middle far right as usual. I get out either my laptop or notebook, eager for the class to start. As students continue to enter the classroom I notice everyone is Caucasian and I'm the only Mexican American. Three years ago I would have felt inferior around my peers based on the color of my skin. Now entering my 5^th year at BYU I don’t see it as a constant struggle but a challenge that I can face everyday because I know who I am.

Two years ago when I wrote Being the Brown Girl I was in a confused state. I honestly did not want to be at BYU that fall semester. During the summer I had fought the idea of leaving BYU and Utah in general. It was a constant battle that hurt. Eventually Heavenly Father told me I needed to stay at BYU despite how I felt about the situation. Things finally turned around, my attitude toward my studies improved, I encountered a new passion and I became more involved in the organizations I associated with. Yes it was still hard being the brown girl. Assumptions were made here and there. Some of my peers still thought I was from Mexico or some other Latin American country. I still felt below compared to other students because I was first generation college student. It’s hard even today. I guess the only thing that kept me going was that I was knowing I had to be here despite what others would say. Someone told me that I shouldn’t have come to BYU but have given the opportunity to someone else who would have appreciated it. News flash, the first generation Latino/Hispanic student challenge is everywhere in this country. I would have faced similar things at any other university. I also never said I didn’t appreciate it. I’m externally thankful for all the challenges I have had to face. It has only made me a stronger person and I know it will help me as I enter the professionally world eventually.

In the past 2 years I have had many opportunities that I think I wouldn’t have had if I left when I wanted to. Who would have even believed that I would be involved in the TMA department and working on shows and not to mention interning with Studio C this past summer? Listening to the Spirit that summer night has blessed in so many ways and I have learned so much because of my decision to stay at BYU. The most important thing I have learned has been accepting myself and knowing that I have purpose. My race has played a big part of this. For a while you can say I was ashamed of my skin color or heritage. It’s hard living in a place where everyone is expected you to be the same. I feel people think being the same religion means we all have to be exactly the same. Well we don’t. We all come from different cultures and backgrounds. We are all different skin tones, have different hair colors and come in different sizes. I have really stood out here at BYU and at first I hated it and now I embrace it. 

I came across this post today on Twitter and it reminded me why I’m here. Why I struggle with being judged and being different. Each one of these posts I can relate too. Especially the following:

I’m here not just for me but also for the past generations and the future generations. That’s what has motived me the most.

I start my last year of college in a less than two weeks. I will most likely be the only brown girl in class again but this time I can take it. I have made it this far and I have not given up. It has taught me how strong I can be in various situations. I have so much to offer to this academic community and I'm not going to let my heritage, skin color, or ethnicity keep me from doing what I know I need to do. Most importantly I know it follow me as I enter the next stage of my life after I graduate (whatever that may be, still deciding). I guess being the brown girl in class has been a good thing.  

The Dream of a Daughter of Immigrants

My last post was about being different and yes sometimes it can be hard but there are sometimes being different can be a good thing. I different views, experiences and aspirations but that what makes us different and unique. I am happy that I am a Mexican American, first generation college student, and on the path to discovering myself. My family's background has helped me grow to the person I am today and I know will help me for the rest of my life. I guess I didn't realize how much of an influence my heritage had on me until I got to college. My parents came did not just come to this country as immigrants but as dreamers.     

I have probably one the most interesting majors anyone can study, American Studies. I basically study the American experience through history, sociology, English, political science, economics, religion and even music. Last fall I took the American Studies class every American Studies student has to take. There was a lot of reading and some days I had to force myself to say awake. Despite my anger toward it at times I have to say that class was an eye opener for me. Our major paper (half our grade or so) was about the American Dream. We can discuss the American Dream from any angle and we had to interview people as part of our paper. I was struggling to find a subtopic for my paper. Then I thought about it! How about write my paper from people who came to this country to achieve the American Dream recently, then the next generation and the next generation. Many stories we read about the American Dream are from those from early America. I have learned that the American Dream lives in everyone, everyone in this country and in each generation. 

After writing my paper I learned more about myself and the reason I was here at BYU. I am living the American Dream my grandfather envisioned over 30 years ago. He wanted his children to be educated and if they couldn't at the time then their children. There were more opportunities in this country and my grandfather wanted a better life for his family. My mother and father were not able to attend college but that didn't stop them from raising a family that focused a lot on education. They wanted their children to attend college and have a better life than they did. My parents have worked so hard for my siblings and I to have a comfortable living environment growing up while we prepared ourselves to go out in the world and prepare for our professional lives. I remember growing up my mother always took us to the library.I guess you can say my love of books is because my mother always emphasized reading whether she read to us or we read to her. Besides our academic goals my parents wanted us to be nourished in some other form, music. I was 6 years old when I started piano lessons. I loved it. In 4th grade I started band playing clarinet. In 8th grade I picked up the alto and tenor saxophone in jazz band. In high school I did marching band, wind ensemble, jazz band, pep band and the pit band for the musicals. And you know what my mother went to every singe one of my concerts. I think she was late to one of my concerts in high school. Throughout high school they pushed me to do my best academically and supported in my other extracurriculars.  When I said I wanted to go to Oregon State and I was interviewed for a scholarship they took me to OSU even though they wanted me to go to BYU. I ended up at BYU anyways. Although they can't fully financial support me through college they support me in other aspects. They push me to accomplish things and make sure that I have all the support I need. Sometimes when things get tough I have to think of why I'm here at school. Why I'm putting myself through stressful school work, at times loneliness and even lack of sleep. I want to live the dream. My dream. My parents' dream. My grandfather's dream.

I am living the 21st century American Dream. I come from low income family, immigrant parents, and I'm a first generation college student. I'm striving everyday to reach that dream. I want to finish college, start a career and contribute to society. It may change slightly over the years but all I know is that I want to achieve great things. My American Dream may be slightly different than my grandfather's or my parents' but I know that I am on the path to achieve great things. I am so thankful my grandfather brought his family to this country because if he didn't I wouldn't be where I am now. Right now there is so much debate over immigration and undocumented young adults who can't work but have the education to do so. They just want to live the American Dream too. I wish some people would take a step back and look through the eyes of an immigrant, of their children and their families to see what they truly desire. They won't see crime, drugs or failure. They would see ambition, courage, strength and sacrifice.  Yes some people come to this country for other reasons. But those who really do seek the American Dream come here with a true purpose. A purpose to not just change their life but their posterity's life. 

My grandfather came to this country when things got tough in Mexico and when the spirit prompted him that it was finally time to bring his family to the United States. I interviewed my grandfather last here and he had this to say about the American Dream, "The reason why I came to the United States was because it is much easier (here) to get an education from a university or school for the whole world. That’s the main reason that we came here, not for me but for your mom, her brothers, and everyone. That’s the reason we came to the United States." I am trying everyday to fulfill not just my American Dream but my grandfather's American Dream. I'm in college. I'm trying hard everyday to accomplish my dream along with his. I just hope that he could be at my college graduation one day and see the fruits of his labor. 

Despite of a different era the American Dream is alive in Americans today. It does not have to be 1800s at Ellis Island for the American Dream to enter our country. The dream is here. We all have a dream withing us. My dream and it's purpose may be different than yours but we each have a story. Let me ask you, what is your dream? Are you living your dream? If not when are you going too?